So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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