So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
