Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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