don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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