Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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