I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
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