i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
