i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
