Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
