I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize
