I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
