When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
