Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
