that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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