just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
