You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
