Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
