This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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