No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
