She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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