i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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