i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
farters have to be the big spoon...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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