I hate all girls vehemently.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
