Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
