My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
