saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
