Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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