I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
