Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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