Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
