Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
