Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
