I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
a search helicopter?!
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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