I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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