i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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