I met the friendliest cop last night
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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