My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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