seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
