Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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