first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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