so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
