i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
