She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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