I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
