Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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