I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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