dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
