The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
it was like eating out sand paper
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
