When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
