I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I need moral support for this bender
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
