that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
