I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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